One of the biggest draw backs from riding a kick scooter is the limited versatility when it comes to terrain. Kick scooters are meant to be used on hard stable surfaces. Gravel and large cracks on pavement pose a significant threat to your average scooter. That’s why no one in their right mind would ever consider riding their kick scooter “off road”. The ones that exist would definitely offer little to no help when off roading, which is a shame because there are a lot of off road instances that could benefit from a kick scooter. While we wait for the invention of the first ever off road kick scooter to come to fruition, I’ve come up with some perfect examples of happenings that could be made better with this much needed invention.
You’re Being Chased by the Cops
We’ve all been there. You’re just minding your own business, enjoying the day while blissfully cruising down the street when some rude cop decides to rain on your parade and pull you over for some mindless offense like speeding or tax evasion. You have the option of pulling over and going quietly, or you could hightail it out of there by veering off road and out of site. Sure it’s dangerous and reckless, but it beats getting a ticket.
Using a kick scooter in this instance probably won’t help your chances at out running the po-po, but it wouldn’t hurt to carry one with you. I mean you would appear smaller and could ride through wooded areas easier, but most cops could keep up with you on foot. Now if your high speed/off road chase takes place exclusively on a steep hill, then you can laugh all the way down on your off road kick scooter as you escape the clutches of the law and live to scooter on another day. So play it safe and keep one in the trunk of your car.
I’m against hunting. The movie Bambi traumatized me as a lad, and I still haven’t forgiven those hunters for that act of matricide that took place over 70 years ago. However, even I can admit the wonderful perks that hunters would enjoy if they used off road kick scooters. From what I’ve heard, hunting isn’t so much a deer version of the Hunger Games as it is a long game of hide in seek where the “winner” earns bragging rights for killing a herbivore who was probably a mother of four.
Before the murdering happens, apparently it’s pretty boring. Lying on the ground, crouching behind a bush, sitting in a tree….a tedious time to be sure. Just think how much fun it would be to ride off road kick scooters through the forest while looking for your innocent prey! Put some feathers on and those deer will probably just think you’re some sort of large bird or flying squirrel whizzing past them. The killing of defenseless animals doesn’t have to be so monotonous! Liven it up with some kick scootering!
You Found a Dead Body
Sometimes when off roading there’s a chance you will find a dead body. This almost always happens after a long, coming-of-age adventure which creates a bond between a group of friends that they will never forget. Or, you happen to live next to a mafia of some kind. Either way, having access to an off road kick scooter makes this experience a lot easier to deal with. You can quickly ride to the authorities and inform them of your discovery, or you can just get the heck out of there and never look back. Each scenario is made better with the help of your off road kick scooter! Still if anyone asks if you want to see a dead body, just say no.
You’re Being Chased by a Psychotic Killer
How many times have you watched a scary movie and were utterly confused as to why a person can run and run and yet the killer always catches them while only leisurely strolling. I have a reason for this: NO OFF ROAD KICK SCOOTER! Every time you hear some yell, “Run for your life!”, it ends horribly. Imagine someone yelling, “Kick scooter for your life!”. Now that person is making it out alive.
This logic doesn’t really hold up against ghosts, ghouls, or Godzilla, but it honestly couldn’t hurt to try….especially compared to the hurt that would happen if the killer catches you. You know if teenagers in horror movies stopped worrying about who they were taking to the prom and were more concerned with their off road kick scooter, there probably wouldn’t be such a high body count.
I could go on and on with obvious reasons why the world needs off road kick scooters, but it doesn’t change the fact that they don’t exist. I know there are a few bike scooter hybrids and certain scooters that could be used as off road kick scooters like the Xootr or Kickped, but someone needs to make an official one. I’m tired of kick scootering around the neighborhood. I need some off road adventures. And it will be a shame if I experience any of the the scenarios mentioned above and am without an off road kick scooter, a real shame.